So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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