her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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