Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
