My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
