I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I wear drunk well.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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