when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
