Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
