thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
