he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
