so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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