I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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