My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
