It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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