So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
