I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize