if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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