new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
