Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
