I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize