i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
