the condom got lost in my hair
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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