Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
