i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
