hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
