the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
