I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
