i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
