You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
