I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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