I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
