there's paper in my vomit.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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