tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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