Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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