she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Green mimosas i think yes
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Randomize
