I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
