my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
