you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
