my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
