Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
