The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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