I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
