Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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