The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
