There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
