So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
