Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
