They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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