70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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