I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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