the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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