I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
