I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
