i used baking grease as lip gloss
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
