I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
