I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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