if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
