I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
