so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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