Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
