he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
