I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
